What you should know before getting a dog

Dogs are sweet and charming. But honestly: would we become dog owners if we knew these eight things before getting our first dog?

Dogs are super cute and all that. Loyal eyes, huge floppy ears, a wagging tail. All good and well. But would we still want one if we knew about these eight things before our first dog showed up? (In a nutshell: Absolutely!)

Dogs Are Always Hungry

If it were up to dogs, they’d just keep eating. Until they’re perfectly round and could only roll down another hill. To prevent that, we two-legged friends have to be super careful about what our furry buddies get in front of their snouts.

We have to ration dog food, barricade the kitchen entrance with a baby gate, and lock the cabinet doors tighter than Fort Knox. And when we’re finally ready to enjoy our long-awaited dinner, a trusting, drooling, fluffy dog head pops up on our laps, wanting some of OUR food.

Dogs Make Us Work

The insatiable dog brings us right to the second point: what do dogs love to do most? Wolf down food. And who do they need for that? Us. Or at least our wallets, because dog food is expensive. The pickier the cute dog’s taste buds, the pricier it gets. So, we have to go to work, because money doesn’t grow on trees. And when we come home in the evening, tired and exhausted, we’re ignored with a cold shoulder and an upturned snout because we dared to disturb the prince and princess.

PS: But don’t forget to refill the bowl, you two-legged friends!

Dogs Are Always Watching You

It’s dark and foggy outside. Somewhere a clock is ticking. In the movie, victim number four screams before dying at the hands of a ruthless serial killer. Two big brown eyes are staring at us.

A car drives by. Something rattles in the house. Two big brown eyes are staring at us.

We shudder, turn off the TV, and decide to go to bed. Teeth are brushed, dental floss is out. Two big brown eyes are staring at us.

We crawl under the blanket and turn off the light. Four big brown eyes are staring at us. WAIT, WHAT?

You have no privacy. Anywhere.

Dogs Don’t Understand Privacy

Dogs don’t understand the concept of privacy. Just like they don’t get closed doors. Want to spend your ten minutes in the bathroom doing your bathroom thing? Forget it, because

• Bella is already far and wide in front of the toilet because she knows your stomach better than you do.
• He’s standing outside the door, whining and heartbroken.
• Or he just gets down to business and kicks in the bathroom door with a cinematic roundhouse kick.

Dogs Are Shameless

Shame is also completely foreign to dogs. You have your wealthy mother-in-law over, who already doesn’t like you much because you’re not a rich aristocrat’s daughter or a wealthy banker’s son, but just work in an online editorial office for dog stories.

You try your best to serve the tastiest pastries and the best coffee. What does your dog do? Vomits at your mother-in-law’s feet. The mother-in-law screams, the dog looks, sniffs, and calmly eats the vomit again. (After all, you have to order there.) The mother-in-law faints.

Okay, maybe dogs’ lack of shame isn’t so bad after all.

Throwing a Ball Usually Means Getting the Ball Yourself

If you want to get a dog because you look forward to being out in the fresh air every day, let me tell you one thing: maybe you already see yourself in the dog park, woolly hat on, coffee in hand, one of those fancy, expensive designer dog balls in the other. You throw the ball with elegant carelessness and great speed. It flies far, and your well-behaved dog enthusiastically dashes off, coat fluttering. As polite as he is, the master collector returns and drops the ball right into your hand while you’re still casually sipping your coffee. Oh, how envious the other dog owners will look.

Think again! Because instead of going for the ball, the dog runs three throws further to the dog lady. You and your ball: forgotten and ignored. So, you trudge through mud and dirt, digging through thick undergrowth, spilling your coffee, ruining your shoes, getting scratched by branches, and never finding that expensive designer ball again. But at least you’re in the fresh air.

Dogs Are Thieves

Well, to be fair, many dog breeds, like retrievers (e.g., Labradors or Golden Retrievers), have been trained for centuries to retrieve things for us. Mostly from the forest, field, or pond when our ancestors were still hunting ducks and other small game.

But since most of us don’t do that anymore, and there aren’t any ducks left, either, Golden Retrievers and their relatives have conspired and now just steal from us. Socks, shoes, underwear, blankets, pillows, toilet paper—just about anything that fits between an inventive snout.

And when we catch the dogs red-handed, they don’t have the decency to quietly and secretly put the loot back as if nothing had happened. Instead, they wink at us and proudly walk away, our socks in their grasp.

Dogs Become the Most Important Thing in the World

But the biggest problem with these darn dogs is that once they’re here, they have to stay. It doesn’t matter if they’re greedy and expensive, don’t give us a minute’s peace, and steal anything that isn’t nailed down—once we’ve taken a four-legged friend into our family, they become one of the most important things in the world to us.

Resigned to our fate, we always bring new dog food and new socks, let ourselves be watched and stolen from, and look for Bella’s ball in the deepest forest. We might get a little annoyed sometimes, but when a furry head jumps up happily and wiggles its ears because you’ve found its favorite ball again, scratches, mismatched pairs of socks, kicked-in bathroom doors, and empty wallets don’t matter. If the dog is happy, we’re happy.